Witch Way Q & A: What if my neighbors suck?
How to engage in the magical art of not giving a f*ck
Hi Amanda! (And Conor!),
I live in a condo (it was my grandma’s) with my roommate and bestie. We both went through divorces last year and are so grateful to have each other to aid in our healing during this time in our lives. We are self proclaimed “good time gals” who enjoy a midnight margarita along with a smoke.
We have new neighbors who are not fans.
Last week we sat on the back porch talking (I don’t remember the exact time, but it was probably around 10 p.m). They came out of their house and started noisily moving around their grill and furniture. We didn’t say anything and just went back inside.
Last night I was having a cigarette before bed and the neighbor came out with her dog right after me and passive aggressively said something about the smoke to her dog – not me!
I feel the evil eye from them, and I also think they are judging us and complaining about us.
We have never spoken with each other. We do have fences, but our homes are very close together and one wall is shared. (It’s in a small sunroom/studio off my bedroom).
Do you have advice on how to handle this situation?
We aren’t usually really loud, and we do want to live our lives. But the tension is getting to me. Do I address it? Or do some protection magic and keep the outdoor conversations at a whisper?
Thanks!
Needing Boundaries
Dear Needing Boundaries,
Recently I read about a young man studying martial arts in Japan. He was fit, and a lethal fighter, but he wanted to become a master.
The more this young man studied, the more confident in his abilities he became. There was part of him that was itching for a fight so he could demonstrate his prowess outside of the dojo.
One night, he was coming home late on a subway train and a drunk started getting aggressive.
The drunk was flailing around, insulting – even threatening – other people on the train. Eventually our young student had had enough. He rolled up his sleeves and took a fighting stance, ready to prove what a true master of martial arts could do.
The drunk man growled at him, heaving, red-eyed, swelling like a bull, but right as the young man was about to strike…
… an old man at the back of the train started calling out to the drunk as if he was the most interesting, charming person in the world, “Hey! Heyyyyyyyy!” he chimed, then asked him what he was drinking (answer: Sake). And the old man was like, “I love sake too.”
The old man and the drunk ended up having this whole long conversation where, in the end, it turned out that the drunk man’s wife had died and he didn’t want to live anymore. He ended up crying in the old man’s lap.
I bring this story up for multiple reasons.
First of all, doesn’t it seem like the moral of that story was that the old guy was the REAL martial arts master, because he didn’t even have to fight?
He could diffuse the whole situation just by asking the right questions, being curious, and responding with a sense of humor and compassion.
I think you can see where I’m going with this.
I have taught multiple classes on protection magic, and one of the first rules of Magic Club (it’s a pun on Fight Club in case you didn’t get it) is that the best protection is good relations with everyone. That way you don’t have to resort to magic to defend yourself. AND, it’s fun.
Now, I want to be clear. I’m on your side. I’m team witch.
I empathize with anyone who has:
grouchy, killjoy neighbors
loud neighbors
neighbors who live upstairs and prance around at 5 o’clock in the morning in high heels
neighbors who have a fetish for leaf blowers
or who love techno
or who only know how to communicate by cussing at each other and throwing things
or who have violent psychotic episodes and stand outside your window late at night starring in at you while you’re watching television
or who have dogs that bark all the time because they’re kept on a cement patio all alone
etc.
I’ve had all of the above, and I know how much it SUCKS.
I don’t blame you for being frustrated, and I would be as well (and have been… and still sometimes am, if I’m honest).
Still, knowing what I know now about witchcraft, if it were me, my first step would be to joyfully, in earnest interest and compassion, go have a chat with your neighbors.
Bring them a gift. Go with genuine curiosity about their lives and what’s going on with them, and see if you can work something out. Hold the trip to their house lightly and be willing to just see what happens.
What you discover might surprise you.
You’ll know you have powerful magic indeed if you are able to shift their enmity to affection simply by exposing them to the transformative power of your high vibes.
If, for whatever reason, you can’t or don’t want to speak with them (I trust your reasons), here are some magical options you might try:
Get yourself a Gargoyle, give it offerings: I’ve used this one to good effect before. You can buy one or make one. If you make it, use your intention and your craft skillz to make your demon of defense (I usually make a gargoyle mask out of papier-mâché). Make it scary! While you’re making it, tell it to protect you (without hurting anyone – think of it like a lo-tech pagan version of AI, you have to have rules). Hang it on your door and give it offerings regularly – like put a cigarette in its mouth or sprinkle it with water or whiskey.
Do something weird: The techniques of magic that you use are less important than the effect they produce. What you want to do is cause a change in the way you and your neighbors interact. Doing something they don’t expect can disrupt the pattern. Don’t do anything upsetting (like shooting guns in the air). Rather, do something unexpected that moves the energy more towards what you want. Like, send a paper plane over their fence that says, “you are loved.”
Say a prayer: the prayer I use is the Consecration of the Sanctuary prayer. It’s a Santo Daime prayer (side note, Santo Daime is a syncretic religion drawing from all spiritual traditions, so I feel okay about drawing from it). I revise the prayer to suit my needs tho, because it’s rather “God, the Father” heavy. Read it in every room of your house and in the yard. Repeat as necessary.
Use salt: Salt is the All-purpose cleaner of the spirit world. As the saying goes, “Evil can’t exist where there is salt.” So you can sprinkle it wherever you feel like you need it. You can also mix it with water and put it in a spray bottle. Spray it wherever you want to establish boundaries. Side note: you can also spray it on windows, doors, and mirrors and in the droplets draw a pentacle (a five pointed star with a circle around it - the witch’s symbol of power, protection, and blessing).
Plant honeysuckle: The spirit of honeysuckle is sweet and generous, if you plant it along your fence, it may sweeten your neighbors temperament towards you… and its fragrance will help cover up the smell of the cigarettes!
Use mirrors: place mirrors in places where you’d like to “I’m rubber, you’re glue…” them. Mirrors are a standard magical weapon of defense. Just make sure they’re facing out to your neighbors, rather than in towards you.
Disarm them: Blow bubbles into their yard every time they complain about the smoke, or play Don’t Worry Be Happy every time they complain about the music
Use humor: Humor is a 7 of Swords type weapon. It disarms. Put on a sound and scent skit for them and see what happens. Open with, “Greetings folks! it’s time for another round of ‘Guess that smell!’”
Diminish their power: We can diminish the power of anyone that bothers us by turning them into something less threatening. This works with shitty co-workers, bosses, annoying parents, the voice of our inner critic, anyone. Turn them into a character. Draw them or just envision them as something slightly ridiculous. For instance, to me your neighbors are giving Oscar the Grouch. You can put a picture of Oscar on your fence and next time they grumble, just say, “Scram!”
Essentially, what I’m getting at here is that…
… magic is any tool or strategy you use to change the way reality is operating. Use your tools to pull them out of their grouchy reality, and into something more playful and open to joy.
Another option, of course, is to do as your name (Needing Boundaries) suggests and establish your own boundaries, and be willing to tolerate the discomfort of maintaining them.
What that might look like is…
… informing the neighbors of your boundary. (i.e. I will turn my loud music down at ten pm but if you make comments about it earlier, I will not respond. And then… don’t respond).
You know, it’s okay if people don’t approve of you. It’s okay if they grumble. Their attitude and behavior is on them. You get to mind what’s on your side of the fence, and they get to mind what’s on theirs.
You can let them have their own experience of your boundary. You don’t need to moderate it for them. But… you can if you want to.
You are free!
The thing about witchcraft is that witches are powerful. We take charge of our own reality.
Witchcraft is the art of changing consciousness at will.
This problem with this situation isn’t that it’s happening, it’s that it’s BOTHERING YOU.
What if they huffed and puffed and it delighted you? What if it made you feel powerful and free? Well then, problem solved, right?
You get to decide how you want to experience this. That’s the fun part! There’s no rule here.
Hope that helps! Let us know how it goes.
Yours ever,
Oscar the Boundary Witch (aka Amanda)
Mystery Cult Event Calendar
Friday, 6/9/23, Substack Chat: Canceled (this week only) - Get the Protection Meditation download instead. Normally we have these Fridays at 12pm, but this week I will be at a Trauma and Somatics workshop (because y’all know how I love to be trauma-informed and integrate Somatic techniques into my witchcraft!). So instead I made you a little meditation you can use on the regular.
Saturday, 6/17/23 New Moon in Gemini Witch Guide Download comes out for your viewing pleasure.
Thursday, 6/29/23 Language of the Birds Reading Group. This month we will be reading a section from Undrowned: Black Feminist Lessons From Marine Mammals by Alexis Pauline Gumbs. I’m not sure which section yet (will send out more info soon) but the book itself is quite short, and I highly recommend getting it because it’s creatively inspiring and ecologically empowering.
10 Minute Protection Meditation (For Subscribers)
Here’s a 10 minute protection meditation you can do every morning (or evening, or anytime you need it) to help you stay heart-centered and safe. This is especially great for folks who are short on time but high on stress who want to stay connected to their magic (so, everyone basically).